my why

dreams, inspiration, life, loss, Love, mywhy, parents, passion, Positive Thinking, relationships

mom and dad

Finding your Why. This concept is relatively new to me, it was introduced to me in February 2017 through my current employer. I never had a corporate job until this one, none of my previous employers asked me about my why. Truthfully I didn’t really know what it was right in the beginning, only because I had never thought of it before. Now I see that question everywhere “What is your Why” or “Finding your Why”. I don’t necessarily have just one. It’s the same way I am with picking favorites. Someone says “What’s your favorite song?” I freeze. How do I pick just one? Well I can’t, I’ve never been good at it. My mind immediately starts to weigh the differences. I go to blurt out a song and then my brain says, well wait a minute, what about this one that makes you feel this way, and so on. I used to get frustrated with myself, but then once I accepted that I don’t want to pick a favorite anything I became much happier. Everything is my favorite, and I constantly use that word when I am talking about something I love.

I will tell you though that my number one Why is my parents. I’ve touched on my losing them in some of my prior posts but it was very brief. Honestly I just wasn’t ready to write about them in one entire entry. I lost my dad in August 2015 and my mom in May 2016, their deaths were only 9 months apart. I wish I could say they were my Why for the majority of my life, but I was very selfish, and when I think about it, I was their Why while they were here on this planet, in this realm.

My parents sacrificed so much for their children. My mom and my dad were never married, they separated a few years after I was born and my dad married my step mom not too long after that. I have a brother who is 11 years older than me from my mom’s one and only marriage, and I have 2 younger sisters and 2 younger brothers from my dad’s one and only marriage. I am beyond grateful that my parents set aside their differences and were able to raise me together, yet apart. They were both always there for me no matter what, no matter how many times I screwed up, or treated them poorly, they were always there. They put their children’s lives before their own, time and time again, we were their Why.

And now that they are both gone, they are my ultimate Why. Losing them has taught me how precious life is, how someone’s health can change just like that, how their entire life could change or be gone just like that. I have always stood in my own way, I’ve self sabotaged multiple dreams and passions (I won’t go down that rabbit hole in this post). I have clear memories of me telling my parents about my wild ideas and what I would hope to accomplish. My mom was more fear based and a natural worrier, so her reaction was always “Sarah, I don’t know about that, what if this, this and this happens”. My dad was more encouraging, he would tell me to follow my dreams but that I would have to work hard to achieve them. I knew they always believed in me though, no matter what crazy, creative idea was swirling around in my head, they were in my corner, 100 percent.

There are some days that I don’t want to get out of bed because I miss them so much, but then I think of the disservice that that would be to them. Even though they’re gone, they’re still pushing me, maybe now more than ever. This tragic experience has taught me that I don’t have to settle, for anything, and that I shouldn’t have to. Hell I don’t want to. My dream is to help as many people as I can, touch as many lives as I can, all while being creative. This is when I’m happiest.

I know they’re here with me, guiding me along. I see and feel them, I receive signs from them, sometimes big but most times small. I see their birthdays, my mom’s birthday shows up more often than my dad’s. I talk to them. There are days when I’m not so gracious, days when I get mad because they’re not physically here. Days when I curl up and cry until my eyes are swollen and little red spots pop up all over my face. Days when I just want my mom and dad. But they are few and far between, and sacred. I don’t ever want to stop grieving them, I don’t ever want to stop missing them, and I don’t think I ever will.

They are my Why for wanting to live my best positive life and achieve my wildest dreams. I love you mom and dad.

Advertisements

guest of the week: anonymous

Guest Blogger, Love, relationships

anonymous

I’m really excited to share my first anonymous guest post. Whenever I approach someone about featuring their story, I give them the option to share anonymously. Honestly, I feel that when we don’t reveal our true identity it’s easier to share our deepest, maybe darkest thoughts with the world. I remember making up aliases back in the day, sharing my words, protected by my anonymity.

I love what I’m about to share with you, someone baring their soul, being honest and real about their feelings. Making a promise that they will change their ways. This is what the guest spot really means to me, people being real and letting us into their lives, even if we don’t know their name.

“I’m bad at being loved – like really bad.  I have pushed away probably any person that has ever attempted to love me outside of my family.  But I hate being hurt, and that’s why I do it.  Sure, some things may be amazing and they may last for a long time, but what about when they end?  Because from my experience all good things come to an end, especially relationships.  So here I am at 25, realizing I’m in love with the world’s most perfect man and he’s not coming back.

We grew up playing soccer together and he was always the shy guy, the quiet nerdy one that found it extremely difficult to strike up a conversation.  And I was always the one in the middle of a conversation – usually the one to start it no matter who it was with.  It wasn’t until high school that Matthew actually told me how he felt about me, and I kind of just laughed it off; I wasn’t interested in a shy soccer player with great grades and a future ahead of him.  Fast forward several years and we still FaceTime and talk regularly, and he’s still telling me that he’s praying for me to be his wife.  He’s still asking God to place me in his life because he loves me – LIKE WHAT?!  What kind of crazy man is this??

Eventually Matt left for medical school and our conversations have become less frequent and less in depth.  I know he’s busy and he’s doing really great things – I’m still his cheerleader when he needs to be reminded why he’s doing what he’s doing.  But I’m also his biggest fan and I want him to know that every single day of his life.  We were talking the other night and I made a joke about our wedding day and he said “You’ll find the right guy but it won’t be me.” And in that moment I was crushed…I pushed a little more to find out why he would say that as I held back the tears, and he told me that he had laid his heart on the line so many times to only be pushed away.  Because that’s what I do, I push you away the moment I know you care.

I’m sure he was right; I’ll find a wonderful man one day.  And I know he will find an amazingly kind and bright person to spend his life with.  But his words hit me like a brick wall and stopped me in my tracks.  I finally realized that I’m bad at being loved and accepting that people may want to be around me, so this is where I stop.  I will stop being so cold and I’ll stop pushing people away because they may end up being the most valuable person in my life.  This is me turning into a more caring and open person – may it lead to something better and brighter.”

Photo cred: http://www.jessicaremus.com/anonymous/

 

friendship: tangled roots

friendship, gratitude, happiness, Love, Positive Thinking, relationships

tangledroots.PNG

This past weekend three of my closest friends and I had the honor of being bridesmaids at our best friend’s wedding. When I think about life and relationships, I feel lucky to have these women by my side after all these years. The bride is one of my oldest friends, we grew up around the corner from each other. If I try to think back to when we first met, I truly can’t remember a time in my life that she wasn’t there.

I’ve had many “best friends” over the years. I used to search for myself in others, this sort of behavior started at an early age. I bonded with girls that I thought I wanted to be. I would go along with everything they did, and I rarely voiced my own thoughts or opinions, just to be accepted. This would become a pattern throughout my young life.

The universe did however, sprinkle some special people in along the way. Friendships where I didn’t feel the need to behave that way. These women always accepted me for who I was and the mask would come off when I was in their presence. What a comforting, peaceful, feeling. I didn’t need to pretend anymore. I am happy to say that I’m still incredibly close with these very same women. These relationships span some 15+ years.

There are 6 of us in this particular group and we’ve all managed to keep our bond going strong. We each have separate lives with friends separate from our group, but that doesn’t change anything. Two of us moved away and yet we’ve never strayed from each other. There are definitely periods of distance and we’ve grown apart some, but at the center of each of our hearts we hold this friendship dear. That is why I picked the image for this post. We are tangled. We grew side by side for many years, we were there for each other when things were the messiest. I am thrilled to see these ladies with their lives [mostly] figured out (because I mean c’mon who really ever has it all figured out?). We’re all building our lives up, the mess is behind us. We can all sit back and watch each other grow and flourish. And if things ever get messy again we’ll be there for one another.

Something amazing happened at the wedding. Our group was originally 7, but she had moved during the earlier part of high school and her and I lost touch. She was at the wedding. The bride brought the original group back together again. It’s been 16 years, I think, my memory is a bit foggy, but roughly 16 years since I’ve seen this person. Her and I were very close for a period of time and wouldn’t you know that nothing has changed in that absence. The first few moments may have been a little awkward, but once the initial shock wore off, we picked right back up where we left off all those years ago.

That’s the magical thing about true friendships. They know no distance, or boundaries of time. I have several of these relationships today, even outside of our group, and I couldn’t be more grateful to the universe for putting each and every special individual in my life. If we haven’t talked lately, or even if we have, know that I love you very much and I am forever thankful that you are in my life.