my why

dreams, inspiration, life, loss, Love, mywhy, parents, passion, Positive Thinking, relationships

mom and dad

Finding your Why. This concept is relatively new to me, it was introduced to me in February 2017 through my current employer. I never had a corporate job until this one, none of my previous employers asked me about my why. Truthfully I didn’t really know what it was right in the beginning, only because I had never thought of it before. Now I see that question everywhere “What is your Why” or “Finding your Why”. I don’t necessarily have just one. It’s the same way I am with picking favorites. Someone says “What’s your favorite song?” I freeze. How do I pick just one? Well I can’t, I’ve never been good at it. My mind immediately starts to weigh the differences. I go to blurt out a song and then my brain says, well wait a minute, what about this one that makes you feel this way, and so on. I used to get frustrated with myself, but then once I accepted that I don’t want to pick a favorite anything I became much happier. Everything is my favorite, and I constantly use that word when I am talking about something I love.

I will tell you though that my number one Why is my parents. I’ve touched on my losing them in some of my prior posts but it was very brief. Honestly I just wasn’t ready to write about them in one entire entry. I lost my dad in August 2015 and my mom in May 2016, their deaths were only 9 months apart. I wish I could say they were my Why for the majority of my life, but I was very selfish, and when I think about it, I was their Why while they were here on this planet, in this realm.

My parents sacrificed so much for their children. My mom and my dad were never married, they separated a few years after I was born and my dad married my step mom not too long after that. I have a brother who is 11 years older than me from my mom’s one and only marriage, and I have 2 younger sisters and 2 younger brothers from my dad’s one and only marriage. I am beyond grateful that my parents set aside their differences and were able to raise me together, yet apart. They were both always there for me no matter what, no matter how many times I screwed up, or treated them poorly, they were always there. They put their children’s lives before their own, time and time again, we were their Why.

And now that they are both gone, they are my ultimate Why. Losing them has taught me how precious life is, how someone’s health can change just like that, how their entire life could change or be gone just like that. I have always stood in my own way, I’ve self sabotaged multiple dreams and passions (I won’t go down that rabbit hole in this post). I have clear memories of me telling my parents about my wild ideas and what I would hope to accomplish. My mom was more fear based and a natural worrier, so her reaction was always “Sarah, I don’t know about that, what if this, this and this happens”. My dad was more encouraging, he would tell me to follow my dreams but that I would have to work hard to achieve them. I knew they always believed in me though, no matter what crazy, creative idea was swirling around in my head, they were in my corner, 100 percent.

There are some days that I don’t want to get out of bed because I miss them so much, but then I think of the disservice that that would be to them. Even though they’re gone, they’re still pushing me, maybe now more than ever. This tragic experience has taught me that I don’t have to settle, for anything, and that I shouldn’t have to. Hell I don’t want to. My dream is to help as many people as I can, touch as many lives as I can, all while being creative. This is when I’m happiest.

I know they’re here with me, guiding me along. I see and feel them, I receive signs from them, sometimes big but most times small. I see their birthdays, my mom’s birthday shows up more often than my dad’s. I talk to them. There are days when I’m not so gracious, days when I get mad because they’re not physically here. Days when I curl up and cry until my eyes are swollen and little red spots pop up all over my face. Days when I just want my mom and dad. But they are few and far between, and sacred. I don’t ever want to stop grieving them, I don’t ever want to stop missing them, and I don’t think I ever will.

They are my Why for wanting to live my best positive life and achieve my wildest dreams. I love you mom and dad.

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being okay, with being okay.

gratitude, happiness, higher power, podcasts, Positive Thinking, quotes

girlfield

“The happiest of people don’t have the best of everything, they make the best of everything they have.”

BOOM. This powerful phrase just knocked me on my ass. I was driving home and I saw it on the church marquee near my house. I don’t practice any set religion but I have a higher power, a God of my understanding and he/she/it likes to slap profound messages in my face. And I love it. Considering I just had a major discussion with my significant other on this topic two days ago, I don’t think this marquee message is purely coincidence.

I have really been struggling lately with my happiness. For someone who believes that happiness is a choice, you might think that I would or should be happy all of the time. Or that it might be easy for me to change my feelings around and instantly be happy. I know I think that. Maybe that’s my problem. I beat myself up when I am anything but happy. The truth of the matter is that I need to be okay, with being okay. That’s hard for me. I am such an all or nothing person, so even keel doesn’t make much sense to me. At the end of the day if I’m not happy, I’m sad. But I’m not even really sad. I know deep sadness, and this isn’t it. So what am I? I’m just okay. I’m going through the motions. For some reason that is not okay with me.

Some people say to practice gratitude when you feel the way I’m feeling. It’s not that I am ungrateful. I have gratitude every single day when I open my eyes. I should not be alive. But I am. I’m grateful to have a roof over my head, fur babies that I adore, my sobriety, an amazing relationship that I’ve waited 13 years for, a hot shower every morning, food to eat, a bed to sleep in, a job to provide me with income, a car to get me to that job, best friends from home, best friends from this new city, best friends in different parts of the country and the world, family members that are there for me no matter what, and the list goes on.

If I’m being honest with myself, I haven’t felt much fulfillment lately. I’m happiest when I’m creating and helping others. Every few years my creativity comes bursting out of me, and I let it out briefly, then I stuff it back inside, and resume my daily routine. I’ve recently started listening to podcasts created by these extremely talented and fierce women. They talk about pursuing their dreams, and going after what makes them happy but also making a living out of these dreams. It really is awe inspiring to listen to their stories. However, this yearning for what they have and not being there yet myself, I believe, is the contributing factor to my not being okay with being okay. Truth is, none of these stories start out with instant success. There is typically a struggle. Always some barrier to over come. Without the struggle how can we appreciate success? They all started somewhere. This is my starting point.

New mantra: I embrace the beginning, I’m okay with where I’m at. I also have a new goal towards leading a more positive life: being okay, with being okay. What’s one of your goals that you’re working on?