driving through the weeds.

flowers, gratitude, Love, Positive Thinking

Weeds.PNG

This past weekend did not start out great. I won’t bore you with the major details but my boyfriend and I were heading out of town. Keith was chosen to be the best man at his best friend Brian’s wedding. I’ve grown to love Brian over these few years and his new bride Jess. They are perfect for each other. They were both there at the beginning of my journey with Keith, and will always hold a special place in my heart.

Now, I’ve mentioned before that positivity does not always come naturally to me. In fact, Friday was a day where my positive attitude was nowhere to be found. Nothing went our way early on and it was very upsetting. The morning started out with Keith leaning on me for support and me crying half way through the day leaning on him for support.

Expectations. They do it to me every single time. Just when I think I have the upper hand and I’m finally over expectations, WHAM! Life hands me another lesson. A lesson that teaches me that I am not done having unrealistic expectations. That I am only human and alas I must continue to learn. When you’re “in it” it’s hard to see the big picture, it’s hard to see past the eye of the storm.

It’s when you’ve made it through, that the magic really happens. The self reflection. On our 4 hour road trip, about half way, I blurted out to Keith “Yes today sucked, and nothing went our way, but Brian and Jess are getting married.” He said “You’re right”. In that moment we both understood the bigger picture. We were on our way to witness a sacred ceremony between two people who love each other. Yes, I am a hopeless romantic, and that is how I view a wedding. At the end of the day it really didn’t matter what went wrong.

We had a great night at the rehearsal dinner catching up with old friends, laughing until our sides hurt. The ceremony was stunning, I teared up as soon as I saw Jess walk out, she was breathtaking. The way Brian looked at her as she walked down the aisle was magical. The speeches were perfect, the music was on point and the food was tasty. Conversation was good and the dancing was much needed. It was a night to remember.

The drive home left room for more self reflection, I started to focus on gratitude. I thought about Friday before we left on our trip. I thought about my vulnerability and how grateful I am to be in a relationship where I can show that side of myself. I felt grateful that the shoe can be on the other foot and that Keith can be vulnerable with me. This wasn’t always the case for either of us in our previous relationships.

While thinking, and driving, I began to notice these yellow plants all over the side of the Pennsylvania highway. I couldn’t tell if they were flowers or weeds. I wondered how many people driving by thought the same thing. Did the majority of people think they were weeds and dismiss their beauty? I did, for a brief moment. Then the sun came out.

There’s something majestic about the sun breaking through the clouds. It lit up these beautiful plants and it made me realize just how much of our lives we think are weeds. For instance, when something doesn’t go the way we want it to. However, it’s when you stop and think about a situation or begin to see things differently, once you start to embrace and learn more about yourself, then you can see the flowers.

Advertisements

first time’s a charm

first post, Uncategorized

Some of you might be expecting this first post to be obnoxiously positive. I can’t say I blame you, given the title of the blog. I promise there will be a lot of positive content to come, but first I wanted to be real with you all. I am not positive every second of every day. In fact, last week and the middle of this week contained some of the most negative days I’ve encountered in a while.

Over the past 6 years I’ve been training myself to believe in the notion that happiness is a choice. I’m not the only one, I didn’t coin that phrase, and I certainly didn’t believe that for the majority of my life. Growing up I believed that the world was against me and that most of my external circumstances were the reason for my unhappiness. I spent a lot of time being upset with the world for not giving me what I wanted. I battled depression and had suicidal thoughts and tendencies. There was a point in time where I didn’t leave my house for 6 months and the only thing I wished for was to be dead (I’ll share that story in depth someday). But for now, just know that somehow I was able to snap out of that dark abyss and today I can thank the universe for that experience.

I didn’t recognize until years after that point in my life that I was choosing to live that way. I was choosing to blame the world and choosing to sit in my shit. In fact part of me believes that I actually enjoyed it. Something significant did happen that shook me to my core, removing me from that darkness, but I wasn’t instantly living a [mostly] positive life. Slowly but surely I started incorporating small doses of positivity into my daily routine. I started sharing dozens of positive memes on Facebook, not for others but for myself. I started to work on consciously recognizing the negative thoughts I was having (still working on this).

Small example: I have bad road rage some days and if a person cuts me off, instead of screaming from behind the wheel I will reason with myself, explaining that maybe they have to rush to the hospital or something along those lines.

Monumental example: On days when I don’t feel worthy of anything in this life, or days that I feel sorry for everything I’ve been through (yes, I have those days) I must remind myself that I am worthy, and that I matter. That everything I’ve experienced in this life was meant for a greater purpose.

I started cultivating several other practices that I will continue to share on this platform, along with the days that I struggle. I won’t lie, it’s a lot of work and some days I wish I could magically be able to think positively all of the time, but most days I’m appreciative of the effort it takes to consciously choose a positive life. The latter allows me to keep growing and moving forward on this journey one day at a time.