I’m really excited to share my first anonymous guest post. Whenever I approach someone about featuring their story, I give them the option to share anonymously. Honestly, I feel that when we don’t reveal our true identity it’s easier to share our deepest, maybe darkest thoughts with the world. I remember making up aliases back in the day, sharing my words, protected by my anonymity.
I love what I’m about to share with you, someone baring their soul, being honest and real about their feelings. Making a promise that they will change their ways. This is what the guest spot really means to me, people being real and letting us into their lives, even if we don’t know their name.
“I’m bad at being loved – like really bad. I have pushed away probably any person that has ever attempted to love me outside of my family. But I hate being hurt, and that’s why I do it. Sure, some things may be amazing and they may last for a long time, but what about when they end? Because from my experience all good things come to an end, especially relationships. So here I am at 25, realizing I’m in love with the world’s most perfect man and he’s not coming back.
We grew up playing soccer together and he was always the shy guy, the quiet nerdy one that found it extremely difficult to strike up a conversation. And I was always the one in the middle of a conversation – usually the one to start it no matter who it was with. It wasn’t until high school that Matthew actually told me how he felt about me, and I kind of just laughed it off; I wasn’t interested in a shy soccer player with great grades and a future ahead of him. Fast forward several years and we still FaceTime and talk regularly, and he’s still telling me that he’s praying for me to be his wife. He’s still asking God to place me in his life because he loves me – LIKE WHAT?! What kind of crazy man is this??
Eventually Matt left for medical school and our conversations have become less frequent and less in depth. I know he’s busy and he’s doing really great things – I’m still his cheerleader when he needs to be reminded why he’s doing what he’s doing. But I’m also his biggest fan and I want him to know that every single day of his life. We were talking the other night and I made a joke about our wedding day and he said “You’ll find the right guy but it won’t be me.” And in that moment I was crushed…I pushed a little more to find out why he would say that as I held back the tears, and he told me that he had laid his heart on the line so many times to only be pushed away. Because that’s what I do, I push you away the moment I know you care.
I’m sure he was right; I’ll find a wonderful man one day. And I know he will find an amazingly kind and bright person to spend his life with. But his words hit me like a brick wall and stopped me in my tracks. I finally realized that I’m bad at being loved and accepting that people may want to be around me, so this is where I stop. I will stop being so cold and I’ll stop pushing people away because they may end up being the most valuable person in my life. This is me turning into a more caring and open person – may it lead to something better and brighter.”
Photo cred: http://www.jessicaremus.com/anonymous/